Men and women of all ages are affected by stress-related depression caused by continuing economic decline. However, I have found that mid-life men are particularly vulnerable. In the most extreme cases, emotionally unstable men can resort to violence directed at themselves and others.
I was deeply saddened to learn about Ervin Antonio Lupoe who killed his wife and five children before killing himself on January 27, 2009. According to news reports, 40 year-old Lupoe became distraught after he and his wife lost their jobs as medical technicians at Kaiser Permanente Medical Center in West Los Angeles. The underlying reasons that cause a man to kill those he loves and then to take his own life are complex. Yet, the depression and despair from losing his livelihood are important factors.
I've been a psychotherapist who has been treating depressed men for more than 40 years. I know the pressures men feel in tough economic times from talking with hundreds of these men. I also have personal experience with men in this situation.
When I was five years old, my 42 year-old father tried to commit suicide. In a journal I found, he wrote about the despair he felt trying to find a job as a writer in a down economy.
June 4th:
"Your flesh crawls, your scalp wrinkles when you look around and see good writers, established writers, unable to sell, unable to find work."
August 15th:
"Faster, faster, faster, I walk. I plug away looking for work, anything to support my family. I always try and never stop."
November 8th:
"A hundred failures, an endless number of failures, until now, my confidence, my hope, my belief in myself, has run completely out. Middle aged, I stand and gaze ahead, numb, confused, and desperately worried. Yes, on a Sunday morning in early November, my hope and my life stream are both running desperately low, so low, so stagnant, that I hold my breath in fear, believing that the dark, blank curtain is about to descend."
Like many men, my father never talked about his feelings. He kept his thoughts to himself. Six days after his November 8th entry, he tried to kill himself. Though he survived physically, emotionally he was never again the same.
I'm sure it is no accident that I have become a psychotherapist who specializes in helping mid-life men and the women who love them. I know how much my father blamed himself when he couldn't find a job. It never occurred to him that there might be social and economic reasons that made it nearly impossible for him to find work in his chosen field.
I've made it my life's work to reach out to men like my father, to let them know that they are not alone, and to show them that there are ways we can help each other turn our anger and despair into constructive action.
In the research I conducted for my book, The Irritable Male Syndrome: Understanding and Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression, I was surprised to find that many depressed men "acted out" their depression through symptoms such as irritability, anger, and blame. I developed a questionnaire that I put on-line at www.IMSquiz.com. More than 30,000 men and thousands of women have taken the quiz.
"My wife has been telling me for years that my irritability and anger were causing problems in our marriage," a 45 year-old man wrote to me. "But until I took the quiz I never understood how serious it was or how my high score-I scored 82-tied in with my feelings of hopelessness and depression." In a follow-up e-mail the man told me that he had finally reached out for help. "My wife had been bugging me for a long time to talk to a doctor. I'd insisted I didn't need help. If there was a problem, it was because she was making me angry, I told myself. I finally realized I've been making us both miserable. I've begun counseling and things have improved dramatically for us."
If you're a man dealing with increased stress or a woman living with such a man, help is available. You're not to blame for the dysfunctional economy. If you've lost your job or are worried about losing your job, talk to someone. You're not alone. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it.
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